Another Day, Another Downer

"If it's raining, I'm calling the whole thing off!"

That? That's what my dad said to my mother regarding his upcoming birthday this weekend, as if the rain could stop him from physically aging another year and stop my brother, sister, and their significant others from all coming out to Long Island to celebrate. He has not taken his birthday's in easy stride since he turned the big Five-Oh five years ago. And now that he's turning "double nickles" as he's termed, it's getting worse and worse.

My father is a difficult person to love. He doesn't make it easy most times because of his moods and the way he procrastinates, judges, preaches, and withdraws. I know that the rest of my family doesn't really understand him and these moods he's been getting into more and more lately. My mother has had to bear the great burden of loving this man and of sharing her life with him the most. Sometimes I look at my parents and their marriage, and don't understand it at all, but I know I really don't have to. It's not my marriage, so it's not mine to understand.

But there is a lot about my dad that I do understand. Maybe we are more alike than I care to admit at times, but I find that knowing and understanding my father is not always as difficult as it seems to others. Just last weekend, my dad was in one of his depressions (an occurrence that is happening with more frequency). My older sister called me upset on Monday and told me about the conversation she had on the phone when she called home Sunday night. She said dad was snippy and short with her, giving her a very undeserved attitude. She informed me that, "He's in one of his 'self-pity party' moods again, and I just can't deal with it!"

Maybe my family is lucky enough to have never dealt with their own depression. There is nothing I would want more for those I love than for them to never experience that. But I have. And it sucks. And because I have, I understand that usually there is absolutely no logic to why you get depressed. There may not be a reason, or a trigger. No one event or happenstance may start you on that downward spiral. Sometimes, it just happens because you woke up that day. Period. So when my dad gets into one of his depressions, I may not understand the 'why' it happened, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that I just understand the feeling, and that I love him so much to want to help in any way and understanding person can.

I got off the phone with my sister and I called home that night. Mom and Dad both got on the line as they normally do so neither of them miss any of the conversation. I kept the conversation light and fun, carefully avoiding certain words and and topics that I understand might upset my dad. He did sound glum when he first got on the phone, but I was relieved to hear him laughing by the time I was ready to hang up.

I personally don't feel like there are many things that I proactively do for my family. I will always be there for any of them if they need me, but that's reactive. The one thing that I can do, at the very least, for my dad is to understand him and help pick him up when he needs it, even if he doesn't know its happening. It's really the first time that I don't mind being daddy's little girl. It's something that I get about him, that maybe nobody else does, and I love him for it.