Confessions

As I am reading more and more of this book INSPIRATION, at the very least it has me re-evaluating my life; the decisions I have made and how I came to make them. I still hold true to saying there is little, if any, regrets in my life because all has led me to where I am now, and who I have become, but to move forward in my life I have learned some very important lessons to help me become a better person than I am now...to myself and those around me. Some already argue that I am near-perfect the way I am (thank you, Wangie), but realistically, there is still so much room for growth and improvement. In all of my retrospection, my newly semi-enlightened self has realized that a lot of my insecurities and relationship behaviors all go back to that first boy, Joe. Boy, would a therapist have a field-day with me on this one!

The story of my relationship with Joe is one fraught with love, sex, depression, suicide, and abuse. Not necessarily in that order, but I think you get the picture of how messed up it became. It started out great, as fresh as new relationships often do, but over the course of the summer, I came to find out that he was a manic depressant, had been hospitalized on suicide watch, and currently had a restraining order against him from his ex-girlfriend (can I pick 'em, or what?!). At the time, being blinded by love, I thought it was all in the past, and that he was reformed, understanding the error of his ways. And he loved me, so how would any of that stuff happen to me, or effect me in the here and now?! I can assure you that since that time in my life I have never again been so naive. Major problems like those don't just correct themselves because you're told you did something wrong.

The problem with Joe's rehabilitation, or lack there-of, is that he wouldn't take his medications, and would go see his therapist once in a blue moon. Trying to stand by my man, I offered to go with him to his therapy sessions, offering to provide an outside view. So, we tried that for a while. But his disrespect towards me in private AND in front of my friends continued to progress. It started out as simple teasing, but then turned to hurtful words. I started finding myself becoming depressed, but still made every excuse as to the fact that he really did love me. When I started to realize that things weren't picture-perfect between us, sex became the only part of our relationship that I felt I could control.

I lost my virginity to Joe when I was just about to turn 19. Our relationship had always had a physical side, but had never gone that final step. When I told him I wanted him to be my first, I don't think I had ever seen him happier. I was so sure that this was a great sign that if we shared this intimacy, things would be back to normal with us, and him. In truth, it only became another avenue of his abuse. I was always very curious, and willing to try new and different things in our sexual relationship. I learned a lot about sex from Joe, but his enthusiasm quickly dwindled. At first I thought it was in correlation to his medications, but he hardly ever took his meds, so that wasn't it. He'd always complain that I 'never initiated' anything, but when I did he was never in the mood. The constant rejection on a physical level made me feel ugly and unwanted. Then pile on all of the psychological mind-games he put me through, and you've got a girl that is pretty much willing to do anything for the attention to feel wanted.

Most of my friends and family never said anything, even though they saw the train-wreck that was my relationship with him. They felt that it was up to me to make decisions regarding my relationships, which is true, but I guess they didn't understand the full scope of what was going on because if they did, wouldn't they have said something then?

Two years later, I finally ended it. After one pivotal event, I had come to realize that no amount of therapy or medication was going to fix Joe, and us. He kept telling me that he wouldn't be able to live without me, that he was going to get better for me. To this I would tell him that he had to live for himself, and want to get better for himself, because before he does that, how did he ever expect to have a meaningful relationship with anybody? Not just a girlfriend, but family and friends, too! And at that point, I didn't care if he killed himself over our break-up. That's how far I had been pushed!

The following months were tricky, and at times a little scary, because Joe had transferred earlier that summer to the same college I was going to. He would stalk me coming out of my classes, wait by my car in the parking lot, and constantly send me emails telling me he was getting better and that we'd be back together in no time! The sick part is that even though he hurt me emotionally, psychologically and physically, I still cared about him and hoped, for his sake, that he was getting better. Not so we could be together again, because that was never going to happen, but so he could finally move on and have a purposeful life.

And since Joe, all of my relationships have pretty much consisted of men who treat me poorly, but that I have a strong physical connection with. I have come to realize that I am looking for that attention and acceptance I never received from Joe. The trouble with knowing these things, though, is that it's easier said than done to break a pattern...hence my journey in introspection. I have always felt like this is the best I deserve from my relationships because that is what I've always been given. It's difficult to believe people now when they tell you you're amazing, or beautiful, when you've never been made to feel that way before. And the really sad part is that these feelings have radiated into other areas of my life and not just contained to my dating relationships. THAT realization is what really jump-started this whole revolution of self.

So, here's to some fall Spring Cleaning in my psyche. I am quite excited about it, actually, and have already noticed slight differences in how I perceive things in myself and those around me. There are definite things in my life that need to be cleaned-out and changed in order for me to accomplish what I need for myself, and it's about time I start looking to myself first for a change!