Philophobia

How silly is it to know you like I know, and be afraid to see you. We know each others’ deepest feelings about so many things, have shared so much, and yet I have fear. I lie in bed most nights yearning to fall asleep in your arms, but just won’t take any step towards making that happen. It’s more than reluctance. It’s more than butterflies or nerves. It is an actual fear. Funny how it’s not a fear of ‘us’ not working out. That would actually be easy. A short casual love-affair that can be written off as a fling. It’s the part where the ‘us’ might actually work out. Because what follows that is so incredibly difficult. The major life choices. Distances to overcome, both physical and emotional. Everyone else in our lives that will be affected by our decisions. All of that responsibility and possibility is way too terrifying! Looking back now, because hind-sight is always 20/20, even admitting what it is that I feel for you was easy compared to the thought of all these things looming in my future.

Does this make me a commitment-phobe? It’s quite possible that all previous failed relationship experience makes me feel like I won’t be able to handle something that’s actually good and right for me. That maybe I don’t deserve, or have never deserved to experience a relationship where he feels just as head-over-heels as I do…And that fucked up thinking just has me feeling even worse about the whole situation, perpetuating this line of thinking.

God! Part of me wants to desperately share these feelings with you, but I’m afraid to. Afraid that you’re feeling the exact same thing; that we’re two people who feel exactly the same way about each other, but can’t do anything about it! That neither of us is willing to take that first leap to overcome our trepidations. And that, dearest, would be the bitterest of ironies.