Ramblings of a Crazy Lady

I’ve been avoiding you. Yes, I know, it’s not fair. To me OR you. But it’s true. I know the whole point of this relationship has been so I would have a place where I felt safe enough to just write anything…anything at all. My feelings, thoughts, stories, jokes, conflicts, etc. So what happens when I start hiding even from you?

I guess part of it is that I don’t know if half the time I should feel the way I’m feeling lately. So much happens in life and I’m not sure if what is going on is OK or not. Is it right to feel the things I do? Do or say the things I do and say? Part of me feels ashamed, I think, which is why I haven’t been around, and I’m not even sure of what. Crazy, huh?!

Like that other morning with the kiss. It felt so good, but it was wrong. I know it was wrong, he knew it was wrong, but yet I want more when I know I shouldn’t.

And when I wrote that letter telling her that I need time to myself. I know I’m not wrong in wanting to take care of myself. They say time heals all wounds. How am I supposed to care for others if I can’t care for myself first? But I feel guilty, and I’m not even sure why. Doesn’t that mean I’ve done something wrong, if I feel like I did? I feel like I’ve abandoned her, but that’s silly to think because she has her husband and family to support her when I feel so completely alone.

Sometimes I can’t explain my behavior. The reasons why I do things, say things. Sometimes I feel detached, and wonder at myself. I can see myself and hear myself, and think, “Self! What the fuck? Why did you just say that? Do you honestly think that what you just did is appropriate?” Most of the time I don’t care though. About anything.

I think it goes beyond jaded to a place that is more than even being self-absorbed, because that would then mean that there is caring and focus on self, which there isn’t…more of like a hollowness of anything and everything. I look for an extremeness just to feel something. Maybe that is why I put myself into situations where I know I’m going to be hurt. At least that’s feeling something.

Or maybe that’s why I act out, so demonstratively. An extrovert to the unsuspecting eye, sure, but if someone really got to see inside they would see the shy girl that is more comfortable sitting alone in a corner reading her book...with a nice cup of tea.