somber

"Steve's" dad is having surgery this morning...and a pretty intensive one at that. And as I sit at my desk trying to figure out what I need to do for my day at work, the only thing that comes to my chaotic and unsettled mind is that I need to be with him today...but I can't be, because he didn't ask me to be.

He never ended up coming over on Sunday. He called and cancelled, as is his way. Many would see his actions as talking a good talk, but I know he's scared to put himself in a position where he might actually have to act on what he wants. And I can understand that all, too well. Why put yourself out there when what you have at the moment is safe, even if it's not what you want?! At least you know what you're dealing with, and there are no surprises. No heartaches.

It's funny, in a heart-wrenching sort of way, that I know he makes poor excuses for cancelling. Every single time. And even more so that I let him. I don't call him out on his little white lies, giving him that false sense of security, of "ignorance is bliss" feeling. It's a game we play, one that we both know the rules to. One that we seem caught up in until one of us will force the other's hand to face reality and the truth. But we don't do that, won't do that, because we both know if we do, it'll be over. And neither of us can bare that.

So, we continue to play this game. Going around and around. Ignoring the elephant in the room.