Under this Rock

I find myself slipping again, back to the place in my mind where it's dark and quiet, and empty. There is no noise, there are no people...it's just me and my thoughts. Sadly, this is not a form of meditation. This is where I found myself when I realized I needed to change something in my life. I am still 'reading' that book Inspiration, but haven't seriously picked it up in about a week. I felt like things were going great, so I stopped reading. I am like a manic depressant that only takes their medication when they aren't feeling 'up' instead of all the time like they are supposed.

With this revelation of analogy, I realize that to keep myself 'up' and continue to change the things about me that aren't conducive to a healthy lifestyle, mentally and physically, I need to constantly work at it. There is no 'quick-fix' to remedy my state of mind. And it's not even that I thought there was a quick fix, but rather I felt like I was on the right path, and I didn't need the guidance anymore. Well, I was wrong. I don't have a problem admitting when I am wrong. To acknowledge your faults and failures can only help you to overcome them, and as I grow, I realize these things more and more.

The last time I found myself here in the darkness was when my relationship with Matt ended. I was with him for just over two years, and was led to believe that our relationship was an established, 'in it for the long-haul,' relationship...I was led falsely. It's difficult to go from being with someone you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with, to being broken-hearted and barely able to get out of bed in the morning. I was devastated...wrecked! The only thing that really got me through it was pounding out hours at the gym every night and then coming home to a bottle of wine and a crying jag. Sure, my friends were there for me, offering words of advice, consolation, even threats to his life, but I felt so detached from everyone and everything, numb and void of anything, that nothing they could say or do made a difference one way or another.

So, now, while things aren't as bad as a bottle of wine and a crying jag every night, I am still feeling a slight numbness to all around me. Not only am I going to start reading my book seriously again, I started going back to the gym. I've never been a health nut, or felt like I had to stay in shape per se, but I always found the gym therapeutic when I was going. So, I decided to start going again and see if it helps. I offered a friend advice once about getting yourself psyched to go. She was saying how it was difficult to go when she had such a long commute every day, but others had commented with alternative plans to make going possible. The thing is, if you really want to go, there are no excuses or obstacles (barring affordability) to going. I used to give all the excuses in the book as to why I couldn't go. But it gets to a point where you will go when you need to, and are ready for yourself to make that commitment. For myself, realizing I am on the brink of another melt down was reason enough to get my butt back in gear. I can't, just possibly can't, spend another month of not wanting to get out of bed every morning and facing what the world has in store for me. I am hoping that just the simplicity of routine will help me to focus on getting better.