Cracking

Ever realize that you are just about at your breaking point? Everyone has one, but the real trick is knowing when your's is, instead of just having it happen upon you like a whirlwind of terror! I think it is safe to say that I am ALMOST at mine. I had a moment yesterday, of which I am still feeling minor effects from, where I damn near just broke down and cried...and I'm not even sure why?! I mean, I know what's going on in my head, and I realize that some of it is serious, but ever since I got back from Sis's, I feel like I've been super sensitive about everything!!

I'm not sure if I had elaborated, but while at my sister's, I did finally crack, and broke down, and basically poured my heart about everything that had been bottled up inside. True, it was alcohol-induced, but hey, an honest moment is an honest moment no matter what the persuasive means. I talked about Matt, and how that is still hanging over me, and my current situation with The Boy...feelings of insecurities, inadaquacies, and flaws. Strengths and weaknesses, and what I call the 'fillers' of my life.

It has been years since I had a moment like that, and I hate the feeling of weakness I associate with it. For so long, I have always been the friend that people come to talk out their problems with. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, not in the least. I love the fact that my friends can trust me enough and feel like I offer wisdom in my advice. But sometimes it doesn't always go both ways, and to no fault but my own. It's not a feeling of superiority, but actually, rather a feeling of inferiority...sometimes I feel like my problems and issues aren't even worth the time and effort of my friends, but I have been realizing that that is a decision for my friends to make, and not for me to make for them.

But what happens when I have that moment that I need a friend, to break down and let them see me at my most vulnerable? They are not there. They have gotten used to the fact that I can hold my own, or rather believe that I can hold my own, and therefore when they are called upon, they don't understand it for the seriousness that it is. Last night I've had my second breaking point in under a week! I just don't know what's going on, and I am starting to seriously think about talking to a therapist. Is it still taboo this day and age to admitt vulnerability, and see an educated, licensed stranger to talk about one's problems?!