M*E*S*S*Y

You know how some say people and their cars or pets reflect off of each other, personality and look wise? Well, lately I am feeling a LOT like my car...battered, abused, and just an overall mess. Yesterday morning, I walk out to my car to head to the train station to find a window busted out. I guess it was my lucky day that my car was at least still there. But looking at my car, I realize that I have let it go to shit and get so incredibly dirty and messy, that it made me wonder who would want it anyway? No wonder it was still there in the morning! Sadly, I have started to feel the same way about myself lately, realizing that emotionally, I am a mess. No wonder I'm still here hanging around...who would want me?

I'm not normally one to give in to such depressing thoughts, but it just seems like things aren't going my way with The Boy and I have no idea why or what went wrong? I'm feeling phazed-out. He doesn't call when he says he will, never tells me he wants to see me anymore...and if that's the case, then fine. It's only been 3 months, it's not like it was a huge committed relationship. Why can't he just tell me the "magic" is gone?! Because he's a stupid boy. But regardless of this imperical knowledge that I have, it still doesn't make one feel so good about themselves. How does one emotionally detach themselves?! I have yet to figure that one out, although I have been doing better, it's still not up to par...obviously. And to further my own downward spiral, wallowing in some nice self-pity, it seems like everyone else around me is glowing in their relationships. *gag*

Tomorrow, I'm supposed to go to a party at The Boy's house, meet all of his friends and just hang out. It would be the first time I would actually physically see and speak to him in over a week, which is quite the change from the original, 'can't get enough of you call you everynight period.' If he doesn't call me tonight, I'm not going, and I know that will send him the message saying, "Yeah, I read you loud and clear that you didn't want me here anyway," but the difficulty is going to be the fact that I am still going to be seeing him through the softball league we play on! Grrrr....

This calls for ice-cream! A nice, constant intake of ice-cream all weekend long...