The Bigger Picture

There is one person in my life that I can tell anything and everything, no holds bar. I love him for his simplistic outlook on life, and the way that he never judges, not even a little bit. He hugs me like I am the most important person in his life at that moment, and he always knows what to say to make me smile. He's one of my nearest and dearest, and I have the privilege of being the same for him, for he doesn't let too many get close.

I just finished writing him an email, explaining how I've been feeling lately, and knowing that I didn't have to hold anything back, I came to realize a big part of what's been making me so unsettled and 'funked' lately. The 'Big Picture.' I feel restless, but also so unmotivated to do anything about it. Just this morning, I was thinking about looking at jobs in Boston and Philadelphia. That's what I do when I get like this...I look to leave and start over. In the past, I've actually gotten as far as applying to a job in Texas. I have applied to jobs in these locations, on a whim, but have never followed through. I know that's not a solution, to just pack up and leave (obviously since I haven't actually done it yet), but that in it of itself is just one more indication of how messed up I am inside. It's a whole bunch of things that are just compiling, I know, but a main part of it is this feeling of disconnection I get...from my friends and family. When I hang out with him and his group of friends, I see how tight they all are and I realize how much I miss that because of where I now live and work. So much so that I've actually considered looking for a job back out on Long Island. I know, I know...that is completely contradictory of when I say I look to move to Boston or Philly. I think I'm just at a point where I can no longer see the bigger picture of my life to know what I want, in any area of my life, and that's a little scary to me...unsettling, you know?