High Anxiety

MySpace. The online, social anomaly that some view as a great way to network, a great way to meet new people, or as my roommate would call it: the new-age meat market! I admit that I have succumbed to joining this online network of friends. It is an easy way for me to keep in touch with friend I have all over the world! I was just telling someone last night that MySpace is good if the right intention is there.

Yesterday, while killing some time at work after hours, I was on MySpace writing some emails to friends. For the heck of it, I tried searching out some of my friends from college, high school and grade school...then I thought to see if Matt still had his page and still kept up with it. I know, I'm glutton for emotional punishment, but with it being the holiday season, it's difficult not to think about those you love, even though they are no longer in your life.

So, what to my eyes did I find? Yes, he still maintains his page, and is on quite frequently. God, he looked so good and my heart started to beat quicker, like I was a voyeur and enjoying the little snippet of what's new in his life. But then what I was seeing really sunk in...pictures and comments of him and the apparent love of his life. And not just of him and this love of his life, but the two of them with all of his friends, too! Comments of the "cutest couple ever." If I thought my heart was racing before, this sure did a number on me, and then I started having trouble breathing.

I don't think I had ever felt so many emotions raging inside of me at the same time. Heart- break, anger, jealousy, happiness, disgust, loss, rage, resentment, and completely sick to my stomach. I was so sure I was having an anxiety attack.

Well, that's what you get when you go looking for trouble. You learn how disappointed in yourself you are, how far you really haven't come, and you wonder why you're not deserving of the same kind of happiness. I guess it's back to square-one.