Ready Or Not!

Change.

Yes, the big and scary "C" word.

It's something that so many people fear, especially if they are not the one to usher it in and maintain some level of control over it. Normally, the concept of change doesn't bother me. It usually brings promise of something new and of adventure, and how does that not sound exciting?! I like to think of myself as a pretty adaptable person, rolling with the punches and adjusting as necessary. There have been plenty of things in my life that I have changed, both for the better and worse, but changed nonetheless to see where life would lead me. It's necessary to grow and learn, and people that never want to change anything are usually the one's that are miserable and complain of a dull life.

But there are also things that I don't want to change because I recognize certain limitations in myself and try not to test them, too terribly. For instance: For the longest time I have been talking about changing my residence; you know, finally make the move to Manhatty?! Well, yes, for the longest time I've been talking about it, because if I were actually ready for it? I obviously would have done it by now. Duh!

But some days change just happens, like all the other shit in life, and you have no control over it what-so-ever. Yeah. Guess how I learned I'm not as adaptable as I thought?!

With the sudden news of Roommie moving out in about 6 weeks, I did what any self respecting roommate would do. I panicked! It was the proverbial straw that broke my damn back, and I boo-hooed for a good solid 30 minutes yesterday in my office first thing in the morning. After finally letting go of an important relationship and dealing with that emotional whirl-wind; and then a death in the family, this was the last thing I wanted to hear and deal with. Couldn't something just be consistent for a short amount of time?

No, it can't. Or at least not for me, because The Fates have their eye on me and are apparently curious to see what I'm going to do about this sudden change.

It's not as if I don't have numerous options before me because I do. And I know that whatever I decide to do, I will actually be OK; it'll all work out. And that panic attack? Is totally about me not having a say in what changes go down in my life. We all know logically that we can't control everything, hardly anything really when you come right down to it, but that doesn't mean we don't want to try.

The most worthwhile lessons in life are usually hard earned, but teach us the most. I'm putting this one down as learning how to be more adaptable than I had thought I was; to learn how to roll with those punches, especially when you don't see them coming.

Time Marches On

1 year, 4 months, 28 days.

That is the last time I have felt a man's hands on my body.

That is the length of time it takes to recover from a broken heart, and have it broken again.

That is how long it has taken to feel OK about checking the "single" box when asked 'marital status' on official paperwork.

That is the time it has taken to learn many important lessons about self-worth, and to discover that I have some. A lot, actually.


Yesterday, I sent a farewell letter to the person that has helped me through that 1 year and change. It was both heart breaking and relieving. I know that a lot of my friends often hear me quote lines out of "Eat, Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert, but her lesson learned on soul mates still to this day strikes a cord of reason and understanding in me. And I truly do believe in it, too. And since the core mantra of soul mates is that they are only meant to be in your lives a short while, I had to let mine go to move on to be something important in someone else's life.

Believe me when I say this was not a selfless act. It was one of the most heart wrenching things I have had to do. But as most things that seems terribly difficult at the time of occurrence, I am sure that this, too will pale over time. It just takes time...like maybe 1 year, 4 months and 29 days?! I'll find out and let you know!