The Weekend!

Well, I for one am ecstatic that it's almost quittin' time for the weekend. What's on the agenda? I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning to get my cavities filled and discuss when I am getting my 4 wisdom teeth pulled. Then the rest of the day is probably going to consist of me sitting on my couch, watching the second season of LOST so I can start at the beginning of season three and not be lost (haha, get it?!), and working on my craft stuff for the fairs that are coming up, all while trying to drink through a straw because I know I'll be in pain! I don't know what Sunday holds...The Boy actually emailed me today and asked to hang out (i.e. have sex) so I'll see if I really want to deal with that, but Dante and I have been playing a lot of phone-tag, so I hope I get to see him soon...He invited me to his art exhibition opening, so I'm pretty psyched about that, even though it isn't for another few weeks. And my other friend is moving out of his parent's house for the first time (he's 26!), so I may be helping him as well. I've got some options, which is always nice!

But I hope the weekend is great for everyone else, and don't forget to check your horoscopes on the first of the month! October is promising to be a month of transition for most zodiac signs, so be aware! Oh, and if you're reading this McG...have a FABULOUS time in L.G.! You deserve it, and I cant' wait for lunch next week to hear ALL about it! :)

Peace out, Bitches! :)

Regrets

I have a theory on 'regret.' A person that goes through life regretting decisions made or things done is living life for other people instead of for themselves. If you truly live your life for yourself in the manner in which you choose, then what should you be repentant for?!

When I was young, going through school, I was not by any means popular. I wasn't in the "in" crowd, didn't get invited to parties, and definitely never had a boy to carry my books to class for me. In a way, this was sort of a relief because I never felt like I had to live up to my peers' expectations, because they had none from me...I was just part of the background. So, I learned from an early point to live life in my own way, doing what makes me happy, not them...hence why I can say I have very few, if no regrets in my life.

But it facinates me as to what can change that. I have recently learned that it is very easy to say 'I regret nothing' as long as you believe life will continue in the same manner...but what happens when something broadsides you and throws everything of course? When you're now faced with the true sense of mortality, realizing that living your life in your own way for yourself may longer be good enough? Was it ever really good enough? It's rather jarring to truly start to reflect from that completely different perspective and think 'would I have done it differently?' That safety net of knowing there is still tomorrow to do things right makes it easy for all of us to be content with our day-to-day choices.

What happens when you start working without a net? You really learn a lot about yourself, is what...

Clowns to the Left, Jokers to the Right...

What to do when your sister, who is your best friend above all, and your parents put you in the middle of their conflict? I'm not talking an every-day argument about politics or religion. I'm talking about the very important issue of my sister's serious boyfriend/possible future husband.
I love my sister, and want nothing but the best for her because she deserves the world. And of course I love my parents who have always been there for me with their unconditional love and support, and their wisdom of the ages. My sister knows that we (me, my brother and parents) have concerns about her relationship, and have talked about them before on a very surface-like level. My sister is the oldest of us three, and she'll be turning 29 this year. She's been away from home since she was 18, and has done incredibly well for herself and her life. I am extremely proud of all she has done, especially the fact that she just bought her first house last May, all on her own! That alone is quite an accomplishment for many these days. But when she bought the house, her boyfriend moved in with her, and she's been learning a lot about him and his habits...as we all are, and not all of them great habits.

On the surface Jeff is a nice guy, but there is just something about him that sends up a little flag. He's always making excuses as to why he can never come to Long Island to visit with my sister, but then complains that he doesn't really "know" us. And when we go to visit them in PA, hoping to spend some quality time bonding and doing what it is you do with possible future in-laws, he sits in front of the TV the entire time and makes no effort to make conversation or anything. And it's not like he doesn't know how to interact with people, because I've seen him do it! We've gone out to a bar a couple of times and there he's Mr. Party! There is just that slight under-tone of disrespect that comes off of him towards us that I don't appreciate, especially for my sister.

There's a lot more to it than this, and I'm sure the other side is fraught with information I'm not privy to, but it's still frustrating to see what I am exposed to. The other night, apparently my sister and parents got into a pretty heated and emotional conversation about her relationship with Jeff and his family. The next morning, my sister called me bright and early to grill me about mom and dad, and if they had ever said anything in past to me about her. I was broad-sided and hadn't had my first cup of coffee yet, so my mind was a little slow about what was being said. I tried to be relatively neutral, but couldn't help voicing my own concerns as well. I think she took it all in fairly well, especially when I asked if she preferred for us NOT talk to her. To that, she said no...she was glad that we talk to her and let her know our concerns. But now I am worried about the relationship between my sister and my parents. What I am hoping, though, is that maybe these conversations will stir my sister up a little bit to at least see what the rest of us see, and then make a decision knowing the full picture.

In a Funk

I'm in a funk, and surprisingly it's not about The Boy, or any boy for that matter. It's about work. Today is entering my 7th week here at the new job, and I'm still feeling so unsettled. My boss is always being pulled in so many directions that I hardly receive any training, and she's out again today. This had got to be the 10th day that she has called in, and while it's great to not have the boss in the office, I'm still pretty clueless as to what I'm supposed to be doing when she's not here. I have little things to do, but nothing that would take up the whole work day.

For me, I like to jump right into things and get started. I'm pretty darn motivated when it comes to work and building my career, so needless to say it's more than a little frustrating to not have anything to do. And it's not like I can even take the initiative and go ahead and do something on my own because I'm still in the stage where I know very little about the product and all the little nuances that go with them, and the just the normal flow of inventory and business operations in general. I really, fully see how spoiled I was at The Bird with my manager there. She was amazing and understood what it meant to 'manage.' She saw my drive and fostered it, like any good manager should. She was often calling me a sponge, just soaking up everything I could to jump in with both feet, head first!

Here's an analogy Rockstar would be proud of: I'm still a sponge because I do soak up everything I possibly can to learn and better myself with my career, but I'm more like the sponge that sit in the bottom of the sink that is only able to soak up the little drops as they drip out of the faucet once in a blue moon! That's how I feel like I'm receiving the knowledge I need to do my job. Little itty-bitty drips and drabs, and I have never been so frustrated in my life.

And on top of that, my boss is constantly telling me things that I just don't need to know about her personal life. There is a thing as WAY too much information!!!! The overall feeling is just very uncomfortable at this point. I am going to stick it out, and give it the recommended 6-month trial run and hope things get better and easier, but I honestly can't tell at this point, one way or another, how things will pan out, and that's a little disconcerting.

Any suggestions on how to handle my boss and the lack-of-training?

For Love of McDreamy!

Last night, I had a date with McDreamy! And did I ever! Is it so wrong to feel so connected to fictional characters? People of all ages feel connections to literary characters, so why not television characters, too? I know that people all have their TV shows that they watch, and I am most definitely part of that crowd, but I must say that without my weekly dose of Izzy, Christina, George, Bailey, Meredith, etc., I was feeling a little less connected. And it was a looooooong summer!

Yes, I am actually acting as if these are real people who have let me into their lives! Well, feelings of disconnection are no longer because last night they came back to me, and I am feeling much better about my TV addiction now that I've had my fix.

I won't comment too much about the episode itself just in case fans out there haven't had a chance to watch yet, but I will say this:

~I enjoyed seeing a whole new side of Bailey and hope they develop that personality a lot more.

~The Plague? C'mon...not so believable, if you ask me. It was a little weak, especially since they didn't really explain where it came from, why only a select few were quarantined when the whole ER was exposed, and do antibiotics really cure it?

~Look at Alex take charge...over a newborn! Who saw that sensitivity coming?! And do we like the shaved, skin-head look? I kind of dig it!

~If I were Meredith, and had to choose between McDreamy and Finn, I would definitely try and work out a time-share program so I could keep them both!

Confessions

As I am reading more and more of this book INSPIRATION, at the very least it has me re-evaluating my life; the decisions I have made and how I came to make them. I still hold true to saying there is little, if any, regrets in my life because all has led me to where I am now, and who I have become, but to move forward in my life I have learned some very important lessons to help me become a better person than I am now...to myself and those around me. Some already argue that I am near-perfect the way I am (thank you, Wangie), but realistically, there is still so much room for growth and improvement. In all of my retrospection, my newly semi-enlightened self has realized that a lot of my insecurities and relationship behaviors all go back to that first boy, Joe. Boy, would a therapist have a field-day with me on this one!

The story of my relationship with Joe is one fraught with love, sex, depression, suicide, and abuse. Not necessarily in that order, but I think you get the picture of how messed up it became. It started out great, as fresh as new relationships often do, but over the course of the summer, I came to find out that he was a manic depressant, had been hospitalized on suicide watch, and currently had a restraining order against him from his ex-girlfriend (can I pick 'em, or what?!). At the time, being blinded by love, I thought it was all in the past, and that he was reformed, understanding the error of his ways. And he loved me, so how would any of that stuff happen to me, or effect me in the here and now?! I can assure you that since that time in my life I have never again been so naive. Major problems like those don't just correct themselves because you're told you did something wrong.

The problem with Joe's rehabilitation, or lack there-of, is that he wouldn't take his medications, and would go see his therapist once in a blue moon. Trying to stand by my man, I offered to go with him to his therapy sessions, offering to provide an outside view. So, we tried that for a while. But his disrespect towards me in private AND in front of my friends continued to progress. It started out as simple teasing, but then turned to hurtful words. I started finding myself becoming depressed, but still made every excuse as to the fact that he really did love me. When I started to realize that things weren't picture-perfect between us, sex became the only part of our relationship that I felt I could control.

I lost my virginity to Joe when I was just about to turn 19. Our relationship had always had a physical side, but had never gone that final step. When I told him I wanted him to be my first, I don't think I had ever seen him happier. I was so sure that this was a great sign that if we shared this intimacy, things would be back to normal with us, and him. In truth, it only became another avenue of his abuse. I was always very curious, and willing to try new and different things in our sexual relationship. I learned a lot about sex from Joe, but his enthusiasm quickly dwindled. At first I thought it was in correlation to his medications, but he hardly ever took his meds, so that wasn't it. He'd always complain that I 'never initiated' anything, but when I did he was never in the mood. The constant rejection on a physical level made me feel ugly and unwanted. Then pile on all of the psychological mind-games he put me through, and you've got a girl that is pretty much willing to do anything for the attention to feel wanted.

Most of my friends and family never said anything, even though they saw the train-wreck that was my relationship with him. They felt that it was up to me to make decisions regarding my relationships, which is true, but I guess they didn't understand the full scope of what was going on because if they did, wouldn't they have said something then?

Two years later, I finally ended it. After one pivotal event, I had come to realize that no amount of therapy or medication was going to fix Joe, and us. He kept telling me that he wouldn't be able to live without me, that he was going to get better for me. To this I would tell him that he had to live for himself, and want to get better for himself, because before he does that, how did he ever expect to have a meaningful relationship with anybody? Not just a girlfriend, but family and friends, too! And at that point, I didn't care if he killed himself over our break-up. That's how far I had been pushed!

The following months were tricky, and at times a little scary, because Joe had transferred earlier that summer to the same college I was going to. He would stalk me coming out of my classes, wait by my car in the parking lot, and constantly send me emails telling me he was getting better and that we'd be back together in no time! The sick part is that even though he hurt me emotionally, psychologically and physically, I still cared about him and hoped, for his sake, that he was getting better. Not so we could be together again, because that was never going to happen, but so he could finally move on and have a purposeful life.

And since Joe, all of my relationships have pretty much consisted of men who treat me poorly, but that I have a strong physical connection with. I have come to realize that I am looking for that attention and acceptance I never received from Joe. The trouble with knowing these things, though, is that it's easier said than done to break a pattern...hence my journey in introspection. I have always felt like this is the best I deserve from my relationships because that is what I've always been given. It's difficult to believe people now when they tell you you're amazing, or beautiful, when you've never been made to feel that way before. And the really sad part is that these feelings have radiated into other areas of my life and not just contained to my dating relationships. THAT realization is what really jump-started this whole revolution of self.

So, here's to some fall Spring Cleaning in my psyche. I am quite excited about it, actually, and have already noticed slight differences in how I perceive things in myself and those around me. There are definite things in my life that need to be cleaned-out and changed in order for me to accomplish what I need for myself, and it's about time I start looking to myself first for a change!

Shiver Me Timbers!

Ahoy, Maties! Today is national Talk Like A Pirate Day! So for all ye fans, get Pirattitude!

Dread, pt 2

Oh, and I forgot to catch you up on my dental review!

I realize in the 10+ years since I've been to the dentist, that things are bound to change and progress. But digital X-rays?! How Cool!? And what makes me love it even more is that the news received from the dentist was not NEARLY as terrible as I thought it was going to be.

So, the damage: 5 cavities in total, and my wisdom teeth are going to have to come out. That part I figured, but he said that two of them are impacted, which apparently means double to the dose of pain-killers! I have another appointment in two weeks to get my cavities filled, and then to figure out what we're going to do about scheduling the removal of my wisdom teeth.

If they're so wise, shouldn't they have known to grow in straight? I mean, what's that about anyways?!

Revolutionary

I am currently reading a book called INSPIRATION, and it is based on the Law of Attraction, a concept that has been recently introduced to me. I'm not going to get into the actual, technical theory behind the Law because it is too long an explanation and topic to cover. Basically, in an abridged description, it is a theory of thought that everything you think, literally think in your head, creates energy waves since everything about the human body all comes down to atoms and energy anyway. These energy waves, once thought and sent out into the universe, effect other things of energy. Kind of like the butterfly effect in a way, but this is more to do with your personal thoughts and habits, and how changing your way of thinking can better, not only your mental, but also physical disposition in life.

Not being completely happy with many aspects of my life, I have finally decided to quit bitching and start a revolution. El Revolucion de Carolyn! I have goals this year that I set on my birthday, and one is to better my quality of living. Much of this, I have recently come to realize, falls on the way I view myself and what I feel I do and do not deserve for myself. Ah, self-esteem. So, it all really comes down to that...again. Yes folks, that's right...I suffer from low self-esteem!

What I am hoping is that in reading about this theory on the Law of Attraction, I will at least gain some perspective on a different way of thinking, in hopes to gain what it is I need to truly believe in myself and to believe in what my friends and family constantly tell me I deserve for myself. True, it may be nothing more than a quack trying to start a cult, but if I don't at least give it a try, then I'm still stuck at square one. So, if anything, I am trying, and taking that first step has been difficult. I have already learned a lot about myself in just the fact that I am trying to better myself, and how I am trying to go about it! I guess that's good, right?

The Apple of My i-

My baby was delivered not even 10 minutes ago from the Apple-Stork! I am so excited! My first i-pod ever. I was able to buy the new 8G i-pod nano with birthday contributions from my parents, Louann and Monica! Bless you all, for you have supported a good cause! Now, I can ride the train, subways and walk the streets of New York City without the fear of being randomly stopped by strangers, tourists, or cat-called by dirty men! God, I love Fridays! Today, is a good day!

Dread

Yesterday, I finally sucked it up and made a much needed appointment to go and see a dentist. It's scheduled for tomorrow afternoon! It's been years since I've last been, and the dread at what they'll find and diagnos sits in the pit of my stomach like a rock. The two main reasons for finally being resposible is 1) I think I need my wisdom teeth removed, which will then fix my sinus/headache problems I've been having this past year, and 2) I can't eat ice-cream anymore without one of my teeth hurting. I mean, c'mon...it's ice-cream! I can't be denied the simple pleasures in life!!

But since I made the appointment yesterday, I feel like my teeth have become hypersensitive over-night! It's almost like my teeth are screaming out in fear for themselves as well now that the dreaded day has been scheduled and is approaching! Hopefully it won't so incredibly bad?!

The Little Things

I am SUCH a dork! I had a large, inter-departmental meeting that lasted from 10am-1:30pm where everyone comes together and discusses new projects, innovations and future plans to better the company. Lunch was served, people flew in from MD, phone conferenced from TX, the whole nine yards...we're talking a very big deal meeting. Part of me was wondering why I had to attend because I still know so little about the company and it's product lines, but part of me was also very excited to be a part of something so huge! I learned so much in such a short amount of time about department functions, who's who, and business processes as a whole, it was quite the crash course, and I was loving it! I find it all so informative and interesting, and made me think "now this is why I'm in business!"

And to top it all off, when I got back from my desk, I noticed that my name-plate had been made and set up! Yay! I am now official!

A Friend in Need

How do you tell a good friend she has a problem when she doesn't even listen to you about every day things anymore?! I am concerned for her and her well-being, and being a friend I truly believe that I should point this out to her, but her personality is one of being extremely defensive and I fear the end of the friendship if I try and talk to her. One may argue that maybe, if she's not really willing to listen, then maybe she's not a true friend at all, but part of me feels like that is just an easy way out of trying to really be a concerned friend. Kind of like the proverbial, "screw it!" Or one can also say that she's an adult and can live her life as she chooses, and should be mature enough to accept to consequences of her actions if that's the road she wants to take. *Sigh* It's just really difficult to watch from the sidelines and do nothing. Lately, things have been getting progressively worse, and I'm sure that pretty soon she'll start to question my difference in behavior around her because I just don't know how to be a friend around her without speaking up.

Happy New Year?

It's my birthday, officially since 12:20am! And what have I done so far? Been pissed off and upset, gotten into a fight, cried, cried some more, and now blogging and crying simultaneously! All before noon!

Last night was great. I saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while, and it was good to catch up. But my roommate, one of the only few I really wanted to be there, didn't make it because she had to work late. I understand, sure, things go on and especially right now work is hell for her. But I guess it started to go down hill when she sent me a text instead of a phone call to let me know she wasn't going. It immediately killed my mood and I decided to go home right then, too. To make matters worse, when I got home, I realized her boyfriend was over, spending the night. That just made it go from disappointment to full out hurt. You know the old adage, "never go to bed angry or upset"? Yeah, I don't bide by that too much.

So, when I woke up this morning to take my car to the mechanics, I was still pretty upset and hurt, so I tried to leave the house without even speaking to her, because I really didn't have anything to say. She stopped me, asking why I was pissed she had to work late, and I replied saying, "I'm not pissed you worked late. I'm upset and hurt, and all around disappointed to find out your boyfriend was here when I got home last night." And I just kept walking. Not exactly nice of me, I know, but she'd chosen her boyfriend of two months over a friendship of 4+ years. Plus, it was my birthday and it was the one night I could celebrate with my closest friends before going away for the weekend. She knew she wasn't going to see me until Monday, so I had really wanted to make that night count!

When I got back from the mechanics, there was a note saying I had no right to be pissed, that she didn't have to explain herself, that her and her boyfriend just went right to bed and didn't 'do' anything, and that I was being an insensitive bitch! Well, happy freaking birthday to me! We've had fights in the past, understandably, since living with a person tends to bring out all sorts of issues, but never has it been reduced to name-calling, and that really stung like a slap in the face. I called her at work, and tried to explain that what hurt the most is not that she missed the party, as disappointing as that was, but that she still put more effort into seeing her boyfriend and have him come over and spend the night with her, when I couldn't even get the courtesy of a phone call for her not making a party she knew meant a lot to me, since I wouldn't be seeing her all weekend, and which she said she'd be there come hell or high water. Apparently hell came and high water went, and she was unphased. She then proceeded to yell at me, tell me more hurtful things, call me a bitch again, and finished off with saying she didn't care if she ruined my birthday because I've ruined her day. I know I may sound a bit whinny, but what is the point of a birthday if you can't make it all about you. It's your day! Your one day to be able to make it all about you, and I got cheated.

What a way to kick off my new year! I certainly hope this is not a reflection of what is to come this year.