Pretty Good Year

Every year on my birthday, I listen to Tori Amos' song, "Pretty Good Year" first thing in the morning. The way I look at it, my birthday is a mile-marker and a sort of New Year. It gives me a chance to look back on the past year of my existence and dwell on the fact of whether I have any regrets or not. I'm not one to regret much in life, hardly anything actually, so it's really just a nice affirmation that I'm still very content in just doing what I'm doing. It also gives me a chance to look ahead and figure out what goals I need to set for myself, and achieve by this time next year.

This past year has held a lot, and I mean a lot, of ups and downs. I've lost three family members, went through a huge break-up with the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, changed companies/jobs, formed some key friendships, met two out of three of this year's goals, and started dating again! Woohoo! I told you...a lot! I still haven't figured out whether the ups outweigh the downs yet, but I've got all day, to decide on that. All in all, I will say that right now for my birthday, I am feeling up, which is a hell of a lot better than feeling down. It's kind of hard to feel down right now, though, sharing this time of my life with so many people I care about, with so many other good things happening to those around me as well.

A lot of my mood and aura, if you will, is effected by the moods of my friends. I find myself to be very empathetic, tuning in to those around me and taking on what they are feeling as well. So, it goes without saying that if those close to me are having a hard time, I will in turn have a hard time. But right now, my cousin and his wife are expecting a baby, one of my closest friends is having her engagement party, and my sister is pretty much settled into her brand-spanking new house. All great things as I head into my New Year! I still have the strong feeling that August was SO not my month, so I am hoping with all of these great things happening right in the beginning of September, that things will in turn, bounce back for me as well! So, Happy New Year!

Tears on the sleeve of a man
Don't want to be a boy today
Heard the eternal footman
Bought himself a bike to race
And Greg he writes letters and burns his CDs
They say you were something in those formative years
Hold onto nothing as fast as you can
Well still pretty good year

Maybe a bright sandy beach
Is gonna bring you back
Maybe not so now you're off
You're gonna see America
Well let me tell you something about America
Pretty good year
Some things are melting now
Well what's it gonna take till my baby's alright

And Greg he writes letters with his birthday pen
Sometimes he's aware that they're drawing him in
Lucy was pretty your best friend agreed
Well still pretty good year

Utter Brilliance

Ok, so the third post of the day...can you tell I'm just a little bored with my boss being away on vacation???

In my surfing today, I came across this brilliant work that I just can't wait for. I heard the radio peeps talking it up in the morning sometime last week, and it just sounds totally amazing! Looking forward to see Jack as a 'Boss!' It's a creat cast of characters, and I personally think that the casting itself is ingenious! The fall is looking up!

'Absurd' you say?

Ok, I know I just posted like 5 minutes ago, but I was just checking out one of my favorite websites. It is just too funny what they come up with sometimes...had to share!

The Approaching Day!

One thing in the whole world I love to do is drag out my birthday celebrations. One year, I was going to birthday-related events for over three weeks...it included a suprise party, a non-surprise party, a broadway show, dinner out twice, and five birthday cakes! Now THAT is talent! :) It truly is the one time of the year you can be totally self-indulge, guilt-free and nobody can say anything...well, let them try and see where it gets them!

My birthday this year is on a Friday...this coming Friday to be exact! I've already got two bar nights and a weekend to Boston planned. And at some point I still have to see my family! And it's not about the gifts, truly, for I haven't asked for anything in a very long time. My parents still feel like they need to get me gifts, so I tell them things that I would never expect them to get me because at this point in my life I am self-sufficient and not really lacking for anything I need. So, we shall see what comes of it. But the awesome news is that I have off from Thursday, through the weekend until Tuesday, not needing to be back at work until Wednesday, September 6th! How much does that rock?!

Learning Curves

So I went, I saw, and I conquered!!! Or more like I went, sat it traffic, arrived late, had a stiff drink, ate some good food, and did some smooching in the car!! :) I was able to see Dante for about 2 hours last night, and it was nice. He was busy working, but it was really quite entertaining to watch him work. He's definitely got charm and charisma, and knows how to read his customers and deal with them all as individuals...it was really quite amazing actually. I have always thought bartending would be so much fun, and watching him work kind of makes me wish I did some bar tending sometimes...and I told him, too, that it was fun to watch him work, and I received a very warm, but kind of shy, smile as a reward. He didn't let me pay for a thing, and I argued, so my total bill came to a whopping $3. A gentleman to the last, he even opens doors for me! I wasn't really sure how things were going to be after the way it was left Monday morning when he dropped me off at my car. That's why I was looking forward to last night, to just kind of gauge things between us. It was fine, nothing weird or awkward, but I also wanted to see if Sunday night/Monday morning was just a 'barn hook-up,' as they are appropriately called, or if he may have been looking for more.

When I talked to Richie on my way back home, he seemed VERY surprised that I had been to see Dante. He gave me the inside scoop of Dante's mind, and basically said not to get wrapped up in things, to just go along with it and have fun. That is a relief to hear, because while nothing may come of it, it's still good to know his frame of mind if/when anything continues. And since I'm still unsure of The Boy and our standing, I'm keeping my options open. Why shouldn't I? Isn't dating just the process of elimination? How am I supposed to know if what I am feeling is something real/deep, or just lust? My feelings are all jumbled up, not really knowing if I even want that committed relationship with The Boy anymore. Part of me does because we have become so close, sharing much, but part of me doesn't, thinking that if he doesn't, than why should I?! Damn my pride and stubborness. What is it they say about pride? Oh yeah...it 'goeth' before the fall? Who the hell says 'goeth' anymore anyways!

And with this all swirling around in my cranium, all that keeps popping up in my head was something my eighth grade teacher had said in my sex-ed class: 'You are supposed to date a lot. How are you going to know and come to understand what it is you want and are looking for in a partner in life if you don't go and date a lot of different people?' Now, granted, I know I'm not supposed to read in between the lines and see 'sleep with a lot of people.' That much I know, especially having gone through the catholic school system for 13 years (yeah, yikes!). But I do agree with the fact that I shouldn't enter each dating relationship like it's the end-all, be-all, and I think I am finally understanding that. So, thanks Mr. Brown! As creepy as I feel with that being only one of the few things that have stuck, you were really on to something...

A Meeting of Minds

When you try and be the adult about things when you realize nobody else will be, what does that make you? I always thought it made me smart, and pretty with-it!

Last night I had a talk, THE talk, with The Boy about where he and I are at, and what the hell we're doing. Or more like, I asked the question because he would never bring it up! He said he didn't want to put a label on 'us' and I said that was fine. But I asked him if he felt we were dating and he said 'yes.' I find this an interesting response since it's been about two months since we actually went OUT on a date, nor has he taken me to any parties/bbq's AS his date, so when I pointed this all out, he said he hadn't noticed...that he's just had a really busy summer but that he does try to see me when he can. That's all well and good, but the fact of the matter is that I want to be busy WITH him, and he with me. I feel so unincluded in his life, and no matter how much he reassures me that I'm not just the girl he sleeps with, its hard to feel otherwise when I am so unimportant to him and all that's going on in his life. He says he understands it, and I believe he does. His response was that he is happy 'dating' me (using his term) and the way things are, after so long of being unhappy (broken engagement just over a year ago...not on his part), and I understand that compLETELY!! And that he really just needs things to be the way they are now, a no-pressure situation, at least for a little while. I get that, too, and can completely understand, but at the same time, I'm not going to wait forever to feel like I'm a part of his life.

I actually feel pretty good about the conversation, because if anything, everything is now out there. He says we're good, and I know we are as far as he's concerned. I'm just not sure if I can still stand being left out of everything. It's hurtful after a while, and I'm afraid it will form a pattern. So, while I'm giving him his no-pressure time, I've come to realize that if he doesn't want a committed relationship, than there is nothing stopping me from still dating other people...which is exactly what I plan to do! I'm not selling myself short, by no means. If anything, this past weekend has definitely shown me that I should have a LOT more confidence in my dating abilities!

Tomorrow, I'm actually meeting Dante at Teller's for a drink while he's working. He bartends there only one night a week for extra cash (he's actually this amazing artist). It's a small, impromptu meeting, but it at least re-establishes our connection from the weekend, and he said that he, "would love to see me!" That definitely helps the self-esteem and puts a little spring in my step!!

The BARN!!!

How could I have grown up on Long Island and never been to The Barn?! I had my virgin trip yesterday with one of my best friends, and a whole group of his friends. Needing to get away from things that were making me crazy lately, this day of complete, utter mindlessness was exactly what I needed! There was excessive drinking, groping, kissing, dancing, and just all around good times! True, it is as nasty as they say, with the drunken debauchery spillage everywhere, but everyone is so wasted that nobody really cares!! And beer washes out, so no worries!

All in all, it was an excellent day. The Barn is only open on Sundays in the summer from 4pm-8pm, but you need to be on line no later than 2pm...that is a LOT of drinking in 4 hours, let me tell you!!! Details to follow because I am exhausted...I didn't get home until 5am this morning!!! ;) Oh yeah...much needed day...

Unexpected Pleasantness

I never new until last night how much a cup of coffee could be so good for the soul...well, technically it was a java/vanilla ice cream shake (with whipped cream!), but whose looking at the nitty-gritty?!

My last paycheck from The Bird finally arrived, so I drove out to my bank's branch (20 minutes away) just to drop it in the overnight deposit box so I can finally send my rent check (3 days late) and my car insurance check (will now just make it on time!) *phew*

I have a very dear friend that lives pretty close to my bank. I met her working for The Bird, and we were always very cordial with each other, but only recently, maybe the last 4 months or so, have we been going to lunch, and really talking and becoming close friends. It's sad because it's like making a friend on the last day of school, right before graduation, because with me not working there anymore, it's kind of tough to not have the option of just popping on by and saying, 'hey!' But, so far, so good, and we've been emailing and staying in touch. We made plans to meet for lunch next week at Cowgirl's, and I'm excited for that.

I called her last night, as we had planned, but I had asked her if she wanted to go for a cup of coffee since I was going to be in her area. She was just as excited as I to be hanging out, outside of a work environment, for the first time. I got to see where she, and her long -time boyfriend live, and it was just really nice! We went for coffee (her coffee, me java-shake goodness), and for the first time in a really long time, I was finally able to talk to a friend. I think what makes it so easy is that she's been there, and I mean REALLY been there. It's comforting that there are other's that really DO understand what I'm feeling and going through. And it's not always the act of looking for advice in which I want to be able to talk to someone, but more of the feeling that I'm not out of my mind, and there are others like me out there. For a while, I was really starting to question my mental health (still do every now and then, but who doesn't?!).

So, this morning, I tried a positive thinking exercise that I hadn't done in a while. And basically, it's just realizing and being grateful for the little things in your life. This morning, after having slept better than I had in weeks, I said that I was grateful for McG, for she is truly awesome in her quiet, old-soul kind of way. Another diamond in the rough that I have been lucky to meet and call 'friend.'

Cracking

Ever realize that you are just about at your breaking point? Everyone has one, but the real trick is knowing when your's is, instead of just having it happen upon you like a whirlwind of terror! I think it is safe to say that I am ALMOST at mine. I had a moment yesterday, of which I am still feeling minor effects from, where I damn near just broke down and cried...and I'm not even sure why?! I mean, I know what's going on in my head, and I realize that some of it is serious, but ever since I got back from Sis's, I feel like I've been super sensitive about everything!!

I'm not sure if I had elaborated, but while at my sister's, I did finally crack, and broke down, and basically poured my heart about everything that had been bottled up inside. True, it was alcohol-induced, but hey, an honest moment is an honest moment no matter what the persuasive means. I talked about Matt, and how that is still hanging over me, and my current situation with The Boy...feelings of insecurities, inadaquacies, and flaws. Strengths and weaknesses, and what I call the 'fillers' of my life.

It has been years since I had a moment like that, and I hate the feeling of weakness I associate with it. For so long, I have always been the friend that people come to talk out their problems with. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, not in the least. I love the fact that my friends can trust me enough and feel like I offer wisdom in my advice. But sometimes it doesn't always go both ways, and to no fault but my own. It's not a feeling of superiority, but actually, rather a feeling of inferiority...sometimes I feel like my problems and issues aren't even worth the time and effort of my friends, but I have been realizing that that is a decision for my friends to make, and not for me to make for them.

But what happens when I have that moment that I need a friend, to break down and let them see me at my most vulnerable? They are not there. They have gotten used to the fact that I can hold my own, or rather believe that I can hold my own, and therefore when they are called upon, they don't understand it for the seriousness that it is. Last night I've had my second breaking point in under a week! I just don't know what's going on, and I am starting to seriously think about talking to a therapist. Is it still taboo this day and age to admitt vulnerability, and see an educated, licensed stranger to talk about one's problems?!

Back to the Grindstone!

It's officially my second day on the new job, and it's been...boring. I have truly come to realize how spoiled I was at the Bird. The Bird had their shit together for new hires, right from day one. Here, everything is going to take, 'a week or so' for me to be in the system and get my benefits set up, my pay checks coming, etc...that's what you get when your company has 'shared services' in HR with a sister company in Chicago!

Any-who, yesterday was full of just trying to get my work space situated (computer wasn't even there for me when I arrived), and getting my usernames and passwords all set up. Fun times, let me tell you. And today, my new boss is out (with good reason, though), so I've been left to my own devices. I am trying to analyze this spreadsheet, but from the little amount of data I received yesterday in my beginning stages of 'training' it hasn't really been a help. There is just so much to learn, and my new boss has been overwhelmed for so long, that I understand her being scattered.

So, I know that I need to hang in there...it's only been two days for cripes-sake! It'll get better, once I find my groove, I know. At least the rapport between me and my boss seem like it's going to be just fine! That always takes a load off!

Tonight, I am off to see the band Dirty Pretty Things at the Bowery...never been to that space so I am looking forward to it, and also seeing a new band. I've heard great things, so it's some exciting stuff!!!

Upward and Onward!

So my last day at work was on Wednesday. It was a very busy day for me, it actually went by very quickly...a little too quickly. No matter how much I am excited about the new job, I still wasn't ready for it to be over at The Bird so quickly. But, all good things must come to an end...but not without a customary Bov-Voyage bar-night! It was a lot of fun, and I was very touched at how many people actually came out. Granted, everyone will use any excuse to go out drinking, but everyone still had a good word to say, and it was nice. I was even really good about crying. I didn't shed a single tear until Ali said good-bye. It's not that I dont' think I'll ever see her again, because I will (heck, I'm invited to the wedding!) but there's still a lot of emotion when realizing you're not going to be seeing one of your good friends every single day now! That one constant is no longer in my life. I know I'll have that at other places, but it's still just not the same. So, here's my shout-out to Ali Girl:

To go from being my first 'real boss' to becoming a close friend, Ali is just an amazing person. She has been more than my profession instructor, she has given me sound advice when it come to life as well. She is one of the most grounded people I know, even when being ruled by emotion. So, my thanks and eternal gratitude go out to her for just simply being who she is! Being a diamond in the rough, I truly believe that fate has great things in store for her! Her 'great perhaps' is only good things to come!

Alright folks, well, I'm off to visit the Sis in the Sweetest Place On Earth! So, if I don't post for the weekend, that's why! Peace out, boy scout!

M*E*S*S*Y cont'd

Ok, so even though The Boy didn't call, I had every intention to actually go to the party over the weekend and just be obnoxiously in his face about being there, but fate was not on my side...or was she?!

Friday night I ended up burning my arm pretty badly...cooking, for Christ's sake! Me, who's been cooking for years, has finally had my first cooking/kitchen accident ever! And it was an oil burn, which is really, REALLY bad, for those that don't know. I've got a patch of skin missing on my wrist about the size of a half-dollar, and it's been 4 days now and it's still raw! So, with the burning of wrist and all, I was really out of it for the rest of the weekend. Shock set in, I ended up passing out, hitting my head, and yadda, yadda, yadda...Carolyn's weekend has just been benched!

So I slept on and off for the weekend, missing the party and nursing my wound. It's definitely going to leave a scar, so now I have to come up with a funny story to tell people when they ask me about it. I'm thinking along the lines of Ninja-warrior, battle scar?!

Back to The Boy...Once he found out about my kitchen debacle, he was oober concerned. His behavior was one of a protective boyfriend, which I don't get at all. Yesterday at the game, he was flirty and concerned, offered to drive me home like normal. When it came time to the good-bye when dropping me off, he leaned in for a kiss! Can you believe it? After all the distancing and crap he's been pulling? So, I just gave him a little peck on the lips...so much harder than it seems. I had almost forgotten how yummy his lips are, and it's just not fair! *pout* So today, we've been emailing, and he's all flirty again, but I'm just trying to play it cool and distance myself somewhat, too, because I need to! I can't keep falling into these relationships where the guy makes it seem like sex=emotional attachment. They say a few key phrases to make you feel all secure and sure about your frame of mind and then it just gets all complicated. I just wish that when a guy is looking for a lay, why can't he just say that?! "hey, you're cool, I think we can just have some fun together." Is it so hard to put that sentence together?

So let's recap the month of August so far: stupid boy being shoddy; window in car smashed; bodily harm by cooking; stupid boy being shoddy some more...I really hope that August is on it's way up for me!

M*E*S*S*Y

You know how some say people and their cars or pets reflect off of each other, personality and look wise? Well, lately I am feeling a LOT like my car...battered, abused, and just an overall mess. Yesterday morning, I walk out to my car to head to the train station to find a window busted out. I guess it was my lucky day that my car was at least still there. But looking at my car, I realize that I have let it go to shit and get so incredibly dirty and messy, that it made me wonder who would want it anyway? No wonder it was still there in the morning! Sadly, I have started to feel the same way about myself lately, realizing that emotionally, I am a mess. No wonder I'm still here hanging around...who would want me?

I'm not normally one to give in to such depressing thoughts, but it just seems like things aren't going my way with The Boy and I have no idea why or what went wrong? I'm feeling phazed-out. He doesn't call when he says he will, never tells me he wants to see me anymore...and if that's the case, then fine. It's only been 3 months, it's not like it was a huge committed relationship. Why can't he just tell me the "magic" is gone?! Because he's a stupid boy. But regardless of this imperical knowledge that I have, it still doesn't make one feel so good about themselves. How does one emotionally detach themselves?! I have yet to figure that one out, although I have been doing better, it's still not up to par...obviously. And to further my own downward spiral, wallowing in some nice self-pity, it seems like everyone else around me is glowing in their relationships. *gag*

Tomorrow, I'm supposed to go to a party at The Boy's house, meet all of his friends and just hang out. It would be the first time I would actually physically see and speak to him in over a week, which is quite the change from the original, 'can't get enough of you call you everynight period.' If he doesn't call me tonight, I'm not going, and I know that will send him the message saying, "Yeah, I read you loud and clear that you didn't want me here anyway," but the difficulty is going to be the fact that I am still going to be seeing him through the softball league we play on! Grrrr....

This calls for ice-cream! A nice, constant intake of ice-cream all weekend long...