Just Plain Sucks

Over the past month, I would say I've been doing pretty well with trying to get over the "what-ifs" and "whys" of failed attempted relationships. I've done the house-cleaning of deleting email addresses, old emails, and even phone numbers! I've been chanting the mantra in my head of I will no longer harbor unhealthy thoughts in the attempt of practicing positive thinking! I've been finding it easier to get out of bed in the morning, and actually look forward to starting my days.

I am happy!

So why is it that once you stop thinking about a person that had meant so much to you and has caused you pain, finally moving on and not pining for those "what-ifs" and "whys," that they seem to have some psychic ability and just know that exact moment to decide to make contact, rehashing all the sadness and heart-ache that you have previously been able to either bury or let-go of. It all comes rushing back like a tidal wave, and the rip-tide is just grabbing at your ankles with the sole purpose of pulling you back under.

Dipping the Big Toe

I have an admirer. It's not a secret; he's made it very well known. But the thing of it is I am not sure if its really him I like per se, or the attention. I can't even remember the last time I was being the one pursued instead of doing the pursuing, and I have to tell you it's really nice! We chat via email all day long and its fun and flirty. Last night, I was up until 11:30pm doing just that.

I'm still a little mixed up inside about all the other recent 'guy stuff' that's been going on lately, but he knows about all of that and still encourages me to not dwell on the 'what-ifs' and just have fun in life, as a person my age deserves! "Don't take life too seriously at this point," he tells me, "or you'll end up old before your time. Just because you have an old soul doesn't mean you need to exercise it all the damn time!" So, we shall see.

I've told him that I want to take it slow...since I haven't really tried that yet. I want to enjoy his friendship first and sort out how I feel about it all. The last thing I want to do is lead him on because he really is a great friend, and I would hate to damage that. Here's to testing the water, one toe at a time!

Topsy Turvy

Every Monday night, since mid-January, I've been attending a class. It is on one of my favorite things ever...WINE!

I've been living in my current location/town for two years now, and just over 6 months ago I discovered the town's secret treasure! Village Vineyard, the local wine shop! It is so incredibly quaint, and the owner is super nice and helpful and knowledgeable! That is truly the key! It's not your typical liquor store...only wine! Superb!

So, back in the beginning of December, I was in the shop buying a few bottles, stocking up for the upcoming holidays, and Rex, the owner, mentioned to me that he was going to be giving a class come January! How wonderful, I thought! I have always enjoyed wine, but never really refined my tastes to what is truly distinct and considered a "good" wine. This was my chance! Plus, what else was I going to do on a Monday evening after work?! And I have been itching to get back to school to take a class...any class really, so this all seemed to make perfect sense!

I mentioned it to my mom, and at first she said "who are you taking it with?" My initial thought was why did I have to take it with anyone? This is something that I want to do for myself! Why do I constantly need to rely on the buddy-system to be social?! So, I signed up, not knowing a person in the crowd except for the teacher/owner, and I couldn't have been more excited!

The class is 10 Mondays, and tonight was Monday #7, which covered wines of Chile, Argentina, and Germany. So far, to date, I've tasted and learned of wines from Italy, France, California, Oregon, Washington state, New York, Spain, Portugal and then tonight's wines. Yup, it's been a lot! We taste on average about 10 wines per class...which brings me to the title of tonight's blog!

Every Monday, I get home at 6:30pm. Class starts at 7pm. So I basically have 20 minutes to change and eat something sort of substantial for dinner before going off to class! Ask me how many times I've been successful in eating something substantial before leaving for class! Go ahead, ask! ZERO! Every Monday, I come home after class half-blitzed! I swear, I'm so giddy, my roommate sits on the couch watching me, and laughing at me every Monday night! I'm amused at my own state of being...and I'm glad I'm not the only one!

You're So Money!

It's official! My first trip to Las Vegas, NV has been booked! The trip isn't until September, when I'll be celebrating a mile-marker birthday Sin City Style, but it's now a definite and gives me something to look forward to throughout the next few months!

It's great, and I'm so excited to be going with some of my closest friends. So far, Wangie and Christina are definites, along with two guys from work! My sister, brother and their 'others' are probably coming out for a portion of the weekend, which would be so fantastic.

The beauty about it is that I'm basically inviting anyone and everyone. Since I've already got the dates and hotel set, anyone else who would like to come and join in the festivities need only ask and I'll fill in the details of when and where!

Vegas Baby, Vegas!

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back.

Getting around in New York City is like a dance. One must absolutely know the steps in order to get to where they need to be without the awkward "bob when I weave" motions. Where does one learn the steps to this intricate dance? Just by doing. I've been a commuter of NYC for over two years now. For the six months, I was commuting from L.I. and now I commute from Queens. One might think I would know the steps to this dance like the back of my hand. Some days I do, and some days I'm not so much on my game. But practice does make perfect, and learning to read the body language of those around you also helps your efforts.

I would say that four out of five days, I excel at the Dance with grace and style. Knowing how to successfully dodge oblivious mothers with strollers, the tourists with their noses in a map or guide book, and even the thoughtless businessman who thinks that wearing a suit gives him the right to shove you aside as you take that first step towards getting on the subway car.

But that one out of five days like today, when I wake up late with a headache, can't find parking at the train station, and realize half-way to work that I'm wearing two different socks, I butcher the dance steps and have a hard time finding my way. The amount of apologies I dished out this morning on a 15 walk and subway ride from Penn Station to my office was a record high. I'm sure my body language this morning was "Warning, Warning! I'm a mess!! Danger! Stay Clear!!"

The Saga of 'Steve' Continues

Last Friday, while sitting around at work waiting for the clock to tick 5pm, 'Steve' called as he often does when work is slow and he needs to kill some time, too. We were catching up on our week, he wished me a happy belated v-day, I did the same, and he asked me what my 'guy' situation was as of lately. I told him that the situation was nothing. Nobody seemed interested in anything more than just the 'fun' and as much as I enjoy just the 'fun' I am starting to crave real companionship in a substantial relationship.

'Steve' proceeded to apologize for all guys everywhere, trying to make me feel better by saying "all guys are stupid to not scoop you right up!" Trying to keep it light and my spirits up, I reply with the confident "of course they are, I know this." But then he does the unexpected. He apologizes for himself in the event that I group him in with that list of guys that have been just looking for the 'fun.' And then goes on to say that he often wonders what would have happened if we actually tried to date instead of leaving it at what it was all those months ago, and that maybe we really should have risked it all for possibility of something!

At this point, only my loud heart beat and heavy breathing are an indication to him that I'm still on the phone...

I accepted his apology, even though I told him that I wasn't sorry. I asked him if he regretted what had been between us, and he said no...he just felt bad if I were to look at our experience as just another failed attempt at a relationship.

I didn't really know how to take in this whole conversation. It was quite an odd thing to be discussing while waiting for the down elevator, but all in all I think it was an OK conversation to have. He and I have talked since Friday and things are fine between us with no awkwardness, so that's a plus. I just don't know what to take away from this, if anything. On the one hand, it's flattering to hear that I was the one that got away. But on the other hand, is he just talking from that place where he's at of not being 100% happy in his current relationship? *shrug*

Book Club of One

It is rare that I will read a non-fiction book. I read because I like to lose myself in a good story, and reading non-fiction often reminds me that life doesn't always have happy endings and rainbows. Whereas in the books I usually read the girl always gets her man, the bad guy is always caught, and there are always quite a few scenes of lascivious behavior in which I find myself re-reading over the course of the whole story...for referencing purposes of course!

Currently I am reading a book that a good friend of mine recommended. Not so surprisingly, it is non-fiction, which is more of the genre that she likes to read. The last non-fiction book I read was Three Cups of Tea, which was phenomenal, so I decided to give this recommended read a chance since the last non-fiction piece I read was a success!

Eat, Pray, Love is a story of a woman's search for everything she needs to rediscover in herself in a year long journey through Italy, India and Indonesia. I'm almost done with the first third of the book, reading all about her devastating divorce and what led to her decision to make this journey, and her first stop in her trip to Italy which will last four months. As an avid reader and collector, I am always extremely respectful of my books making sure never to ruin the binding and NEVER dog-ear, write, highlight, etc in any of my books. Well, I'm only up to page 85 and I've already broken two of my cardinal observations of respect numerous times.

There is just so much packed into these pages. Lessons learned, stories to remember, experiences that I want for myself...it's incredible! I find myself taking my time reading this book, soaking in everything that the author has to offer in her experiences. It has me longing for my own journey to find myself. It has me rethinking a lot of my relationships with my own family. It has me analyzing my whole outlook in general on what is really important in life, and what is not so much. It has helped to redefine so much within myself, I ache to share this incredible story with everyone.

One good lesson taken away from Gilbert's incredible self-discovery is how to cope with loneliness. "When I get lonely these days, I think: So be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."

Another, about how crazy we all feel life is sometimes. "I look at the Augusteum [ruined temple in Rome], and I think that perhaps my life has not actually been so chaotic, after all. It is merely this world that is chaotic, bringing changes to us all that nobody could have anticipated. The Augusteum warns me not to get attached to any obsolete ideas about who I am, what I represent, whom I belong to, or what function I may once have intended to serve. Yesterday I might have been a glorious monument to somebody, true enough-but tomorrow I could be a fireworks depository. Even in the Eternal City, says the silent Augusteum, one must always be prepared for riotous and endless waves of transformation."

Wise woman, that Liz Gilbert.

Stumped

Writer's Block doesn't even begin to cover the lack of inspiration I've been having lately. Every time I start a blog, it just goes nowhere, so I end up cancelling and deleting it. It seems to be going around, too, because a few other blogs I read daily have posted the same problem! Could it just be a winter Brain Freeze?! Is the cold just so all-encompassing that nothing else is seeping in?! *shrug*

And finally, it's V-Day and I'm actually not as bad off as I usually am this time of year. Even with finding out that The Artist has lied to me, Photo-Booth Guy still hasn't called me and has pretty much dropped off the face of the earth, and I'm dreaming about an Ex, spirits seem up! I know, it's amazing...kind of baffling actually. But, I'm not going to over-analyze it like I do everything for fear of ruining my semi-ok mood. I'm just going to roll with it and see what happens! And I actually wish all you mo-fo's a Happy Day, for those that have someone special to share it with. And for those who don't, there is always alcohol! Yay!

Connections

"Don't lower your expectations to meet your performance. Raise your level of performance to meet your expectations." - Ralph Marston


***On a side note, I've gotten a lot of outside concerning comments about Wednesday's post. I'm OK! And there was nothing behind it actually except that I was going through some of my old journals where I used to write poetry. I came across this one, and the memories that are associated with that poem are actually good memories...hard to tell, I know, but nonetheless, they are my memories. Things have actually been OK. I've formed a new, strong friendship over the past month and for whatever reason, he's been able to actually get through my thick skull and talk a lot of sense into me! Maybe because it's coming from a male is what makes it different, I'm not so sure, but whatever the reason, I'm grateful and I'm happy!

Haiku

Love is now broken
The heart ache is unnerving
Cannot yet move on

Things to Note

Some things you might not have noticed on my Blog...

-Currently Reading: If I don't recommend it, I'll note that as well. And what I am reading is a hyper-link to amazon.com so you can read about the book itself.

-Art Fav's: these are my favorite art websites...some are the sites of artists themselves, and others are just museums.

-Recommended Reading: not just by me, but from friends as well.

-Fellow Bloggers: some blogs of note that I enjoy reading, and thought you might as well.

Future 'Looks' Bright!

This might be in my near future! Is this the sign I've been looking for regarding my decision to move to either NYC or LI?! I wonder...I'll know soon enough.

Dreaded V-Day

OK, so not so much a war reference, but sometimes it sure feels like it!

This morning, while listening to the radio in the shower, I heard the first commercial for Valentine's Day. It was for one of those specialty stuffed-animals or designer pj's or what have you. With over a week to go on this god-forsaken count down, it forces me to realize how much I loathe this holiday. And it's not as if I've never spent this holiday with a bf or loved one, because I have. And even working in the floral industry for seven years, knowing how prosperous this holiday is for mom and pop shops, there is just something about it that irks me.

Why do people need this one day of the year to express their love and devotion?! I never understood this holiday. Even when receiving little valentines from classmates in kindergarten, I couldn't grasp the 'why' of it. Maybe there is no reason or 'why' of it, but I would much rather prefer a bouquet of flowers or some non-plus chocolates on a random day. That to me speaks more of 'special' than doing the same old, same old with every other Joe-Shmo out there.

On that note, I might join Roommie to go see Evil Dead the musical next Wednesday...it seems rather appropriate, in my mind anyway.

Secrets of Love

I have a secret.

I'm in love.

And I've been in love with 'Steve' since probably the first time I met him close to 8 years ago.

When 'Steve' and I first met, we discovered we had so much in common and became fast friends, thick as thieves, and the friendship has only ever grown and became deeper. There was a time when we did talk about the possibility of dating, but both feared the risk of friendship to ever try. That's not to mean that we never fooled around a little, but it never got too far, both of us afraid of how we would feel about it the next day. But regardless, 'Steve' and I became best of friends, being able to flirt, joke around, and even have the serious talks we couldn't ever have with other friends. We give each other advice on everything from what to wear, who NOT to date, and even on sex. The classic do's and don'ts. We care deeply for one another, as best friends should. And in this past year, we've become closer than we've ever been. I love him, always will, but now I am realizing that I am IN love with him, and always have been.

Now, 'Steve' is dating someone pretty seriously. I have yet to meet her, but he keeps telling me how important it is to him for me to meet her. I feel honored that I am one of his only friends who's opinion of this girl counts. It's also a very terrifying feeling. It's been difficult for me to still give him advice on his relationship, telling him what I feel he should say or not say. I even helped him do his Christmas shopping for her. It's been kind of surreal, feeling what I do feel.

'Steve' and his girlfriend just hit their one-year anniversary. I helped him pick out the diamond bracelet she'll soon to be wearing. And then he asked me to help him with what to say in the card he was going to give her. This is what I came up with:

This past year together has meant more to me than even these words can describe. You've brought a light and a joy into my life that goes beyond expression. You help me realize what it means to truly be a friend and a partner. I am so grateful and thankful for who you are, and who I am with you. Learning what it means to love you has been one of the best life-lessons I could ever learn. I love you, and look forward to telling you that many times over.

He was so moved by my words. He said it was incredible...perfect, even. He then asked me if those words came from somewhere else, or if I made it up myself. I told him that I had thought of it myself, dreading the question I knew was next...he then asked me how I came up with those words.

How do you tell the man you love, that the words you chose for him to say to his girlfriend really comes from what you feel in your heart for him?