Blessed Samhain

2,000 years ago, the Celts lived all across what is now Ireland, the United Kingdom, and Northern France. The Celts celebrated on November 1 to mark the end of the summer season and the harvest, and the start of their new year which began with dark, cold and the association with human death. They believed that on the night before the new year, the boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead became blurred. It was the night to honor the Lord of the Dead, Anwinn. The belief was that spirits of those who had died during that year also gathered that night, driven out of the bare woods and empty fields. The spirits returned to their homes and needed the help of their kin to cross over to the land of the dead. So on this night, they celebrated Samhain, when it was believed that the ghosts of the dead returned to earth.

In addition to causing trouble and damaging crops, Celts thought that the presence of the otherworldly spirits made it easier for the Druids, to make predictions about the future. For a people entirely dependent on the volatile natural world, these prophecies were an important source of comfort and direction during the long, dark winter. To commemorate the event, the Druids built huge sacred bonfires, where the people gathered to burn crops and animals as sacrifices to the Celtic deities. During the celebration, the Celts wore costumes, typically consisting of animal heads and skins, and attempted to tell each other's fortunes. When the celebration was over, they re-lit their hearth fires, which they had extinguished earlier that evening, from the sacred bonfire to help protect them during the coming winter.

So, on this day and night of Hallow E'en, remember those who may have passed this year and celebrate in remembrance of them. And look ahead to the dark, cold time upon us and remember that with every death there is new life, and the sun will return again. We just need to endure the darkness for a short time to make us remember and appreciate the season of new life.

Blessed Be!

More Restlessness, Cont'd.

This past weekend was a good weekend, as weekends go. Friday night was a bust, and I got snubbed by a friend, so that kind of sucked, but the Halloween party Saturday night more than made up for it.

Saturday morning, I woke up early to head out to Long Island. I made a stop on the way to get my hair cut. I decided that if I needed a change, I'll start small and get my hair cut and see if that satisfies. My stylist always does a great job, which is why I keep going back, but I was a little disappointed this time around. Maybe it was because I was looking forward to it so much, and felt like I really needed it to fulfill that restlessness I have been feeling, I don't know. It didn't look bad by any means, just not really any different. I wasn't looking for something so incredibly drastic, but something at least noticeable. It was kind of a let down, but could have been far worse. So, from there I went on to Wangie's house and picked up breakfast for her and the family on the way. I always enjoy chatting with her family. We finally made our way out to Moni's to help decorate for the party, and it was so much fun. The party was great and I met so many fantastic people. My recovery has been impeding my drinking habits, but I didn't feel out of place with everyone else getting shit-faced. If anything, it was way more amusing to watch all the drunk people from a sober stand point! Indeed, it was quite the spectator's sport!

There wasn't much to Sunday, just being lazy once I got back home. But, I did dye my hair this great dark red/auburn color and decided to trim up my hair myself. Now, I know what some of you might be thinking, but it wasn't bad. I've got short hair to begin with, and it's already in a choppy/pixie style, so even if my trimming is uneven, one can't tell. Plus, the color looks great on a short haircut! So, feeling like I was able to fulfill my small change this weekend, I'm feeling a little better. Oh, and I painted my nails this really fun, outlandish and highly unprofessional purple color, but I figure if someone at work says something, I can always write it off as being Halloween! :) Not like it matters anyway because my boss isn't in AGAIN today, and won't be tomorrow either. I'm beginning to wonder if she ever works a full week?!

A Few Things Learned...

...from quiz night:

- There are three knights of the Round Table whose names start with 'G.': Sir Galahad, Sir Gawain, and Sir Girflet (apparently the last is highly underrated and almost never heard of)

- Every time Mauni asks if anyone wants a cupcake, the Birthday Girl will always say, 'Sure, why not?'

- 'Pussy Galore' is a character name in the James Bond movie Goldfinger, not from Octopussy (very racy for its time).

- Knitting is a good past-time during quiz night (crazy bitches)

- To date, the #1 selling album is 'The Eagles' Greatest Hits.' (am I the only person thinking WTF? Why not the White Album, or countless other timeless works of musical art?)

- A team made up of 1 guy and 5 girls will cover all the trivia from sports to movies, to '80s music to knowing the difference between a 44 magnum and a 45 magnum

- Try as you might to leave so you can catch your 10:30pm train, but the Quiz Master always has other plans in mind (count on making the 12:30am train).

- No other questions are taken more seriously than the 'free beer' question rounds! (You should see those fatties run to present the correct answer!! Beer-guts a-boundin'!)

- And lastly, but not least of all, if you show any excitement or indication that you had a good time, count on being suckered in to come back next week because quiz night is luckily EVERY Thursday night at a classic Irish Pub.

Thanks for a great time last night, ladies (and gent). It really was a good time and I do look forward to a repeat performance...next time we should be able to close the gap in points! I have faith in Mauni's British Television trivia knowledge!

Battle of the Sexes

When a girl flirts with a guy, but doesn't follow through she's called a 'tease.' When a guy flirts, actually promises to follow through on said flirting conversations, but then never calls and stands you up, he's just called a 'dude.' Grrrr!

More Restlessness

This past weekend was nice. My roommate was out of town on business, and I was really looking forward to having the place to myself, to have a few nights of uninterrupted sleep. I was able to just chill and do my thing. Sunday I spent at my friends, helping her with a garage sale. It was nice to spend the day in the sun, not really doing a damn thing. For the most part, I got some much need rest, but spending that day out on Long Island had me feeling antsy again. I'm sensing another change coming on the wind. Nothing too drastic, but something that will be necessary.

I never thought I would end up working and living in New York City. I forswore it in college, but now that I am here, I think myself crazy to not have considered it then. It's almost like a rite of passage. But part of me still misses the little things Long Island has to offer. Aside from my parents and closest friends, I miss the beaches, the trees, the parks, and most of all the stars. I really miss seeing the stars at night. I grew up being a nature girl, so can you really blame me? So, while I was out at my friends', she was trying to convince me to move back to Long Island. Everything she said sounded so seductive, but I wouldn't be able to afford to commute from out there AND pay the rent prices. Well, you know how 'they' say that usually the best solutions are the simplest? Her solution to that problem was to find a job out on Long Island that I would really like, since she knows how frustrated and disenchanted I am with my current employment. Can we say *duh*? I told Moni that I wanted to give it the full six months or so, and really see how it goes. I do want to give it a chance, having taken the advice of a friend and changed my expectations (or should I say lowered my expectations). I am not a quitter by nature...actually kind of the opposite almost never knowing WHEN to quit, but I do feel like my talents and resources could be better used elsewhere.

It was definitely food for thought. In the meantime Moni and Wangie are both offering to help me scope out what kind of employment on Long Island I might be interested in. And I'm always looking at apartment listings to just get a feel for what the market is. So, come February, I'll see where I stand with all and take it from there.

Only in Half-Swing

It's Tuesday! To me, Monday's shouldn't exist, at least for the work week anyway...

The weekend was nice. I spent Saturday out on Long Island with my parents, driving around hitting up some craft fairs and garage sales. I'm a rummage queen, so give me a garage sale any day of the week and I'm so happy. As far as craft fairs go, I signed up to vendor at two in November. It'll be my first ones, so I've been going to all these others trying to do some recon and figure out if what I have is going to be good enough, or if I have to step it up a notch. Not to mention my layout for my space. So, I'm pretty psyched about it, and hoping the investment pays off.

Sunday, I went to the Queens County Farm. Yes, Queens has a farm. A real, REAL farm with animals, a vineyard and even a barn! Well, the barn has been converted to an event space, but it's still a barn nonetheless. Wangie, myself and a new character to the cast, went with the intention to go pumpkin picking. Well, the pickings were scarce, but there was a really fun corn maze that was pirate-themed and took us just under an hour complete. Then we went back to my place after dinner and watched the Mets game. Go Mets Go!!!

The Boy didn't end up coming over Sunday night, but he did come over last night. I was about two out of three sheets to the wind when he got there (I told you, lots of drinking lately), and he looked and smelled so yummy, we barely made it up the stairs!! There was a flurry of clothing, and I could have sworn I heard Barry White singing in the background!! ;-) We actually had a nice lazy night on the couch, watching the Bears/Cardinals football game and Batman Begins. He asked me about my doctor stuff, told him the latest, and at one point I actually started to cry. Thank god we had the lights off in the living room and he didn't see me. I don't know why that makes me feel so mortified, but it does. But all in all, it was a nice night...even had a brief chat with Ali Girl, which spurred said Boy to think it would be funny if he tickled me while I was chatting (usually, as a rule, I'm not ticklish, but apparently alcohol brings my guard down). Yeah, it was probably pretty funny from an outside view. Me: really tipsy, holding my breath and trying not to laugh, and trying to carry on a conversation in between my squeaks and gasps!! It wasn't a long conversation, I'll tell you that much. And it end with me on the floor grabbing my sides from laughing so hard! :) It was actually just what I needed, though. I haven't laughed, really laughed, in such a long time, and it was perfect for the moment. But sorry, Ali-Girl, for an awkward conversation!

This morning was a little rough getting up. I didn't sleep very well last night with all of these fire sirens going off in the neighborhood. One would think it was the next Great Fire of London the way those suckers were blaring all night long. I think I pretty much woke up on the half-hour every hour between 12am and 6am. And after drinking last night...yikes! But, having grilled cheese for breakfast (don't knock it 'til you've tried it) and a coffee at work has me feeling a little better. I'm not in full-swing yet, but getting there!

End of the Day

It's pretty much the end of the work day, and aside from some annoying inquiries, things went fine today! I was even approved to sign up for a two-day seminar/class on Microsoft Excel for next week, so I won't even feel like I have a full work week...again! I'm actually really looking forward to it, and I think it's safe to say I've officially established myself as a dork! :)

I'm very much looking forward to my weekend, spending the day tomorrow out on Long Island with my parents. Then on Sunday, I think Wangie and I are going pumpkin picking, possibly also with Ali and McG. It'll be the second week in a row that I skip out on Sunday Football with the guys, but I think I'll live! I may even see The Boy Sunday evening and make him take me out to dinner! We shall see, but all in all, I'm feeling good, things are temporarily well, and that is a small blessing!

I hope you all have a great weekend, too! And if you're looking for something to do, my recommendation (besides pumpkin picking) would be this! It was fan-freaking-tastic!

Superstitions

With today being Friday the 13th, I'm sure there are plenty of people out there that dreaded getting out of bed this morning. For once, I was not one of them. After having dinner last night with friends (friends I miss dearly because I no longer work with them), I felt like a little bit of weight had been lifted off of my shoulders simply from spending some time with them. By the time I got off the train and home, I still felt happy even though I was sad the night had to end. It just never feels like enough time when you're out with friends.

Last night I was even able to fall asleep at a semi-decent hour of 1:00 am, well decent hour for me anyways. And I slept straight through. When that alarm went off at 6 am, I didn't even have to hit the snooze...shocking, yes I know. Hopping right in the shower, and hauling ass to get done as quickly as possible, I even jumped back into bed for another 20 minute power nap! So, for this normally superstitious day, mine has actually started out pretty good. Maybe I'm really living in Bizarro World, where the good days are bad and the bad days are good?! Regardless, we shall see how the day progresses since my boss is working from home today, but I'm hopeful, or so my mood says!

Back from Hiatus

I know, I know...it's been a week. I was off from work last Friday through Tuesday, and yesterday I ended up calling in sick and taking yet ANOTHER day off. My friend Dante talked me into taking the day and heading into the city to check out some art galleries and museums. It was possibly the best day off I've ever had - sans trip to Jamaica! :)

I've been dealing with a bunch of pretty serious medical stuff the past few weeks, and the boredom at work just fosters time to dwell on the negativity. So, I much rather spent the day doing fun stuff with a very good friend, being distracted and not thinking about what the doctor has informed me of. Basically, in a nut shell, my nights have consisted of hanging with friends and drinking my worries away. Not a REAL solution, I know, but a great temporary fix to numbing my mind and body.

And if it's not my sister I'm in the mix with, it's my brother. He and I got into a HUGE fight, and now we're not talking. The argument started out about our different views on money and what we could each respectively afford on my parents and their 30th anniversary. My brother has a way of talking down to people and not realize it, so I finally pointed out to him how he was making me feel with his accusations and opinions. He reacted back as if the whole thing is over money. True, it was the catalyst, but not the root of the issue at all. So, now I'm stuck trying to figure this one out because he is even more stubborn than I and won't be the first one to make a move towards amending our relationship. Sometimes it really sucks being the more mature one!

That is only the beginning of the emotional roller-coaster I've been on this week so far, but can't find any more 'oomph' in me to write more. I am realizing I tire a lot easier now a days, and seeing as I'm still stuck at work for another hour or so, I should probably put my effort into doing something, anything here. And for my last tangent: you'd think that because I find myself more and more exhausted, that I would finally be able to sleep at night! Well, no...actually I find myself lying in bed, exhausted, but just unable to fall asleep. And what really sucks is that I'm not allowed to take a sleep aid! Maybe a Tylenol PM once in a while, but not every night. What I really need to do is find a really boring book. That way, I'll try and read it when I'm laying in bed, and hopefully it'll put me to sleep! :)

The Bigger Picture

There is one person in my life that I can tell anything and everything, no holds bar. I love him for his simplistic outlook on life, and the way that he never judges, not even a little bit. He hugs me like I am the most important person in his life at that moment, and he always knows what to say to make me smile. He's one of my nearest and dearest, and I have the privilege of being the same for him, for he doesn't let too many get close.

I just finished writing him an email, explaining how I've been feeling lately, and knowing that I didn't have to hold anything back, I came to realize a big part of what's been making me so unsettled and 'funked' lately. The 'Big Picture.' I feel restless, but also so unmotivated to do anything about it. Just this morning, I was thinking about looking at jobs in Boston and Philadelphia. That's what I do when I get like this...I look to leave and start over. In the past, I've actually gotten as far as applying to a job in Texas. I have applied to jobs in these locations, on a whim, but have never followed through. I know that's not a solution, to just pack up and leave (obviously since I haven't actually done it yet), but that in it of itself is just one more indication of how messed up I am inside. It's a whole bunch of things that are just compiling, I know, but a main part of it is this feeling of disconnection I get...from my friends and family. When I hang out with him and his group of friends, I see how tight they all are and I realize how much I miss that because of where I now live and work. So much so that I've actually considered looking for a job back out on Long Island. I know, I know...that is completely contradictory of when I say I look to move to Boston or Philly. I think I'm just at a point where I can no longer see the bigger picture of my life to know what I want, in any area of my life, and that's a little scary to me...unsettling, you know?

Under this Rock

I find myself slipping again, back to the place in my mind where it's dark and quiet, and empty. There is no noise, there are no people...it's just me and my thoughts. Sadly, this is not a form of meditation. This is where I found myself when I realized I needed to change something in my life. I am still 'reading' that book Inspiration, but haven't seriously picked it up in about a week. I felt like things were going great, so I stopped reading. I am like a manic depressant that only takes their medication when they aren't feeling 'up' instead of all the time like they are supposed.

With this revelation of analogy, I realize that to keep myself 'up' and continue to change the things about me that aren't conducive to a healthy lifestyle, mentally and physically, I need to constantly work at it. There is no 'quick-fix' to remedy my state of mind. And it's not even that I thought there was a quick fix, but rather I felt like I was on the right path, and I didn't need the guidance anymore. Well, I was wrong. I don't have a problem admitting when I am wrong. To acknowledge your faults and failures can only help you to overcome them, and as I grow, I realize these things more and more.

The last time I found myself here in the darkness was when my relationship with Matt ended. I was with him for just over two years, and was led to believe that our relationship was an established, 'in it for the long-haul,' relationship...I was led falsely. It's difficult to go from being with someone you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with, to being broken-hearted and barely able to get out of bed in the morning. I was devastated...wrecked! The only thing that really got me through it was pounding out hours at the gym every night and then coming home to a bottle of wine and a crying jag. Sure, my friends were there for me, offering words of advice, consolation, even threats to his life, but I felt so detached from everyone and everything, numb and void of anything, that nothing they could say or do made a difference one way or another.

So, now, while things aren't as bad as a bottle of wine and a crying jag every night, I am still feeling a slight numbness to all around me. Not only am I going to start reading my book seriously again, I started going back to the gym. I've never been a health nut, or felt like I had to stay in shape per se, but I always found the gym therapeutic when I was going. So, I decided to start going again and see if it helps. I offered a friend advice once about getting yourself psyched to go. She was saying how it was difficult to go when she had such a long commute every day, but others had commented with alternative plans to make going possible. The thing is, if you really want to go, there are no excuses or obstacles (barring affordability) to going. I used to give all the excuses in the book as to why I couldn't go. But it gets to a point where you will go when you need to, and are ready for yourself to make that commitment. For myself, realizing I am on the brink of another melt down was reason enough to get my butt back in gear. I can't, just possibly can't, spend another month of not wanting to get out of bed every morning and facing what the world has in store for me. I am hoping that just the simplicity of routine will help me to focus on getting better.